Out of Struggle Grew Compassion — March 25, 2018

Cary Walski

Roger Mattson in Beirut, Lebanon, 1973, where he taught English.

My name is Jeffrey Gram, and I’d like to tell you about my late uncle, Roger Mattson, the man who inspired the creation of the new Clare Housing Legacy Society.

Roger was a witty, intelligent person who was fearlessly three-dimensional. Toward the end of his life, like many who lead complicated lives, his greatest weakness transformed into his greatest gift – both to me and to the residents who call Clare Housing home. But before we talk about Roger’s struggle and his gift, let’s talk about Roger, the man.

Above, you’ll see a photo of my uncle taken in Beirut, Lebanon, where he taught English for several years after graduating from college. What you see is a young person, enjoying his life. And he was doing so fully, perhaps for the first time. You see, Roger grew up in a conservative town along the North Shore in the 1940s and 50s. Roger traveled halfway around the world to finally be himself – a gay man.

Abroad he found friends and a new sense of identity. He brought that pride home and started a career in information technology. A member of MENSA and a lover of the arts, he enjoyed attending operas and classical music concerts and being in conversation with friends – sharing his opinions and stories, and inspiring laughter.

For Roger, his home was his sanctuary, the center of his universe.

Although Roger found friendship, career satisfaction, and financial independence, his life had a shadow. Prone to depression, Roger self-identified later as a “high-functioning alcoholic.” His career had kept his dependence largely at bay before he retired. However, once his professional responsibilities ended, his drinking escalated.

These were the most difficult times. In retirement, Roger became more isolated and dependent. He spent nights in detox. He cycled in and out of treatment. He was ordered to get help. But nothing seemed to change. My mother, Linda, found him passed out and near death from drinking on multiple occasions. Nothing lifted the weight burdening Roger, until the very foundation of Roger’s life – his home – was threatened.

Linda got the news. Roger’s Homeowners Association delivered an ultimatum after running water flooded a neighbor’s condo: “Get help or get out.” Roger entered an intensive Dialectical Behavioral Therapy program. The day he graduated, after months of demanding and introspective work, I treated Roger to a celebratory lunch. He had a certificate. He was so proud. Roger was sober, and for the first time, he was able to maintain his sobriety. Roger hung the certificate in the home that he would now get to keep.

Roger posing proudly with the certificate he earned after successfully completing his treatment program.

Roger’s pain went deep. Was the seed of that sadness planted on the North Shore – growing up different, feeling alone? Was it a genetic predisposition toward addiction and depression? I don’t know. All I know is that the pain grew with him. Fortunately, although dependency and despondency were trends in his life, they alone do not tell the whole story. Out of his pain grew something else – tremendous compassion.

Like many of the residents at Clare Housing, Roger was gay. Like many of the residents at Clare Housing, Roger struggled with mental illness and chemical dependency. Roger also knew the value of a home and its essentialness to one’s well-being.

Out of the darkness in Roger’s life grew one sweet year of sobriety, his last year. That year was a gift to my mother and me. Out of that time also grew Roger’s gift to Clare Housing. In our darkest moments, it’s hard to imagine that our pain has a purpose. But if Roger’s pain had a purpose, it was this – making home possible, now and in the future, for people who know what it’s like to struggle, just like he did.

We are so grateful to Jeffrey Gram for generously sharing this moving story of his late Uncle Roger Mattson. If you’d like to learn more about the Legacy Society that was inspired by Roger’s compassion, please read more about the Legacy Society, or contact Jim Seas, Director of Community Engagement, at 612.236.9517 or email him at jim.seas@clarehousing.org.